Jupotatofootballdixie

Her step-son gave her that name because it was a combination of his favorite things: Judy (her), potatoes, football, and dixie (as in Alabama).  For a while it was abbreviated to Jupotato, then eventually to something that’s somewhere between “Jue” and “Jude” – I can never really tell.

To me, though?  She’s simply “Mom.”  Or “Mother.” (frustrated)  Or “MOTHER!” (shocked)  Or “Moooooo-ooooommmmm!” (whined)  Or occasionally still “Mommy.” (hey, would you really kindly please do me this one eensy-weensy humongous favor)  Or, on a really bad day, she has the same name as Earl because, well, I’m getting older and sometimes pulling the right name out of the hat on the first try just simply doesn’t work.

By whatever name I call her, though, my mother is simply awesomesauce.  Yes, I said it, because it’s true.  And it’s Mother’s Day, so I get to wax nostalgic for a bit.  Therefore, I present to you:

Things I’ve Learned From My Mother (an abbreviated version)

• • Laugh.  A lot.  There is humor to be found in anything, and that humor is usually what keeps us tethered to sanity, especially in the hard times.

• • It’s a good idea to keep a hatchet in your car.  You never know when you might encounter a fallen tree across the road, when you might run off into the river and need to break a window quickly, or when you might need to fend off angry moonshiners.  It also will make for one hell of a story when your son-in-law takes your car to the CDC, unaware of the hatchet’s presence.  “It’s my mother-in-law’s!  I swear!” is perhaps the best punchline to a story ever.

• • Arch supports will cure anything.  Including heartburn.  Don’t ask how, they just do.

• • Don’t pass the salt hand-to-hand at the table or you’ll fight.  Set the salt down, then I will pick it up.  If you insist otherwise, I will cut you, thus making the superstition true.

• • Always warn your kids about what they should already know.  Because the one time you don’t tell them, “Don’t cut your fingers off with the hedge trimmer,” you have just set them up.  When this adage starts making you crazy, you can shrug it off and just say, “Blame it on Eddie,” because the one time she didn’t remind him, he nearly did.  Thanks, bro.

• • To find the four-leaf clovers, simply don’t look at the ones with three leaves.  It works the same with people: To find the good ones, just don’t even look at the bad ones.  How do you know?  Follow your heart and your instinct.  Both are usually right.

• • When you are old, wear purple.  But you know what?  Life’s too short.  Wear purple anyway.  Wear your eccentricness proudly!  It’s what makes you you.

• • DO NOT HIT MY WALLS OR I WILL RIP YOUR LEGS OFF AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THEM !  (I fail horribly at this in my own house.  Know any good painters?)

• • Threatening a kid with, “I will rip your legs off and beat you over the head with them!” is the best threat ever in the history of Momkind.

• • Remember where you came from.  Listen to the stories of the past.  Learn them.  Take them to heart.  Because you come from a line of survivors and strong men and women.  The stories of the past will help guide you in the future, but you have to know them first.

• • Carrying snow boots in your car is the best insurance policy against snow.  Honestly, I think she’s somehow voodoo cursed her snow boots to ward off snow.  The weatherman can predict 10 feet and, if those boots are in the car, IT WILL NOT SNOW.

• • Illegitimus non carborundum est.  I don’t care if it’s Dog Latin as someone will surely point out.  It’s still a damn good phrase to live by.  (Apparently, according to a random thing I read on Google, “Noli sinere malos te vexare” is a closer translation, but I never took Latin, so I have no idea.)

• • B.S. is the ultimate art.  Learn it, know it, use it.  Make Mom proud.

And, finally:

• • Love is unconditional.  Also, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, shocks mother.  So don’t even try.  You will lose.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.  You rocketh my sockseth.  Thanks for giving me life and the possibility to pass your wisdom down another generation.  May Earl be as awesome as we are!