Have you ever had one of those days where it seems the whole world has been watching you for a time and you were blissfully unaware until something jumps out and smacks you across your face and all you can think is, “They know. How in the hell do they KNOW?“
Welcome to my week. And it’s only Wednesday.
Earl’s teacher said something this morning to me that had me flipping through my Twitter followers and FB followers in a blind panic thinking, “OMG, she follows me. Somewhere, she’s reading me!” Now, I have never had a disparaging word against said teacher, never would, love her to death, but when that comment comes on the heels of her cancelling a Thai appointment with me, all I could think was that, dude, she has gone and found me out and she thinks I’m an absolute freak (ahem.).
I made the comment to a friend yesterday that I just suddenly feel completely out of sorts, and I do. Massively so. I tried to attributed it at first to all kinds of things, like my entire well-planned day yesterday being cancelled at every turn, nervousness over a couple of appointments today, a change in the weather, the weird alignment of Jupiter and Mercury and is it Venus or Mars?
I am by no means used to being in control. I’m used to acting like I’m in control. To trying to hold it all together. But actual control? Ha! I’m more like one of those people who can’t stand being out of control yet I am somehow never quite in it either.
Prime example of how wonky yesterday was. I’ve been wanting to take another Thai Yoga class for a while now – haven’t taken any since January – and my soul has been aching for something, so I bit the bullet, signed up for the class with my North Carolina teacher (who happens to be teaching this class at my Minnesota teacher’s facility), booked my flights, my hotel, my rental car. All tied up in a nice tiny little bow. I was ready.
Then I told my mother. Now, my mother hates planes for an entirely reasonable reason – her father was killed in a single engine crash when she was a kid – but she has always been very supportive of me and my travels. Even when she wasn’t, she’s at least kept her mouth shut and let me think she was. Until, for some reason yesterday, when it was almost as if she was calling my bluff, but her words wrapped it more in concern over my leaving my daughter for the entire first week of her third grade year.
Five minutes later, all reservations were cancelled. I could practically hear the eyes rolling at me over the phone, but everyone was very helpful and nobody charged me anything. Hurray! If I’m going to be a 36 year old grown woman cowtowing to my mother’s guilt trip, then at least I’m not out any money.
Now, don’t take that for me being upset or angry. Nah. After all, I am a firm believer in Everything Happens For A Reason, and, deep deep down in the deepest down of my soul, there was A Reason in there somewhere. There was a reason that for once, I took everything she said to absolute heart and made the absolute rash decision to call the whole thing off then and there.
Turns out, I was right. That unsettledness in my soul? Far more settled this morning. The Thai trip was a diversion, or perhaps a path, to me realizing a real truth – that, yes, I adore my Thai. I thoroughly enjoys it. It fills me up in so many ways, and I love sharing it with people to the point that I’m occasionally that creepy friend going, “Just let me work on you! I won’t even charge you if you’ll just let me work on you! PLEASE?? Won’t you let me work on you?? I’ll come to YOU! I’ll rearrange everything in my schedule if you’ll just let me turn you into my personal Gumby for two hours!”
Which, you know, thinking about it, could be why Earl’s teacher cancelled the appointment in the first place.
Actually, no, I know there was another completely valid reason she cancelled, which is all well and good, but it was when we were having a brief conversation about dreams and finding your passion and I shared the above story about my planned and cancelled trip to Minnesota and she was all nodding before I was done like SHE KNEW.
I’ll admit I’m nerdy enough that I was looking at the cameras wondering about The Truman Show and, um, am I Truman (or True-man. Heh. I just made two people snort.)?
Because today, and yesterday, have totally felt like Truman Show days. Top that off with my earworm being that obscure “Like the Whole World is Watching” that Take 6 (remember Take 6?) did for The Sounds Of Murphy Brown soundtrack for the past two days, and I’m beginning to think I’ve stepped into some kind of Twilight Zone.
Wait – that’s not where I was going. Where was I? Oh. Yes. The Reason.
I’m making another left hand turn. Or trying to at least. I’m signaling furiously, trying to get over in the right lane because my passion? My true and ever-present passion is just to the left there and I need to get over there.
I love my Thai. I won’t abandon my Thai. But it’s time to bite the bullet, throw caution to the wind, close my eyes and just leap.
MFA in Creative Writing, here I come.
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